Coxie.com - COXSWAIN OLYMPICS

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Written by Dyslexiacox

As a change from the heavy topics we've been discussing : It's the beginning of February and I've lost that coxin' feeling. I suppose it's perfectly normal this time of year - there's a few feet of snow outside, the river's frozen over, and rowers are stuck inside doing ergs and weights - unless, of course, they're my rowers. The winter training I'm experiencing right now is unlike any other winter training I've gone through... let's just say I find it a strange feeling to be at team weight workouts by myself. It's been a good time to do some soul searching. I've slowly come to realize that I won't ever make it to the Olympics, and I might not even have a boat this summer, and I'll never achieve the greatness that I've dreamed of. At times like this, I start coming up with crazy coxswain fantasies... like this one, which I call "The Coxswain Olympics".

EVENT NUMBER ONE - THE TIMED BOAT LINE

In each bay of the boathouse stands a cox beside an eight (stern-coxed). Each cox holds two speakers and an eight line and a roll of tape (no scissors or knives allowed). When the coach yells GO! and hits the start button on his strokecoach, each cox races to be the first to have his/her boat completely lined, down to taping the magnet to stroke seat and testing by frantically screeching into the mic as she/he swoops stroke seat back and forth to make sure the magnet works. As we get better at this, we'll progressively make it more difficult, first by leaving the boats upside down on the racks, then upside down on stretchers in the mud, then with the coxies being blindfolded, then with one hand tied behind our backs. Picture it - a blindfolded, hobbled coxie squirming on his back in the mud. It'll be bigger than baseball.

EVENT NUMBER TWO - THE BOATHOUSE-TO-DOCK DASH

Testing another valuable coxie skill, this event places each cox in front of a large pile of water bottles, extra sweaters, lifejackets, and novelty items like rubber chickens, ski poles, sacks of potatoes, etc, for interest's sake. Each cox, at the sound of the horn, has a certain amount of time to pick up as much stuff as possible and run to the dock from the boathouse. The winner is the one with the most stuff, by number of items. Anyone dropping anything is disqualified. Again, as we get better, it'll get more challenging, as we force coxies to run backwards, with legs taped together at the ankles, on docks covered in ice, or goose droppings, or dead fish, or marbles. Paramedics wait nearby.

EVENT NUMBER THREE - THE OBSTACLE COURSE

This one's great because it involves the rowers. It also involves the oldest boats at the club (stocked with life jackets), floating logs, buoys, inflatable dolphins, and whatever else the rowers can come up with to test your steering. It's time for revenge as rowers and coaches take over the course, planning and planting dastardly hazards to test your skills. Take the oldest boat, the four most obedient rowers, and leave your box on the dock - if I know rowers, the course will be taking you down at some point. Oh yes, I forgot to say, for this event we forgo unisuits and strip down to the bathing suits.

EVENT NUMBER FOUR - MOST FEROCIOUS ROAR

At some point in time, everyone's just gotta do it - inspire the rowers with a crazed, maniacal, eardrum-popping yell. It can be a word, a number, or just plain noise. The coxes line up and, before a panel of judges, let loose their wildest scream. Points are given for volume, resonance, and the X factor - how much it makes the judges want to jump up and explode with energy. If anyone actually gets the judges to jump up with energy, they go to the National team.

So if, like me, you're feeling the winter blues, let's get the First Annual Coxswain Games going. I propose the winner (with the most points after all events) be rewarded with half a chocolate chip cookie.

Hell, if there's an audience out there for the wild and crazy lumberjack games, they'll damn well put us on the air!

Dyslexiacox