All Hail the Coxie God!

One of the coxes I know posted this interesting phrase on the message board: "Please forgive me, coxy god!'

Now we could debate both the existence of a coxy god and the spelling of the word coxy/coxie; but for this column, let's explore the possibilities of the existence of a coxy god (and let's spell it coxy for this article).

For one thing, skipping meals is no longer considered unhealthy; it's part of a spiritual/religious ritual. The altar, covered in blue cloth bearing the NK logo in white, shall be the sacred spot where we deposit all our sacrificed meals... and cut weight whilst pleasing the coxy god. Can also decline desserts by saying, "No thanks, I'm on a religious fast."

The coxy god may also be useful in the boat... think about it! "Get the damn boat up off port or the coxy god'll get you!" "Coxy god says we spin it at the next bridge and take it in." And back on the dock - you're not dancing around like a maniac to get the blood flowing back into your legs - it's the dance of celebration thanking the coxy god for a nice day/ begging for warmer weather tomorrow/ pleading for the rain to stop. If anything, a coxy god is an excuse to make yourself look sane. Hit a bouy or have a bad docking? Say it's not you, it's the coxy god testing your rowers for faith..... Take a post- regatta day off school. Claim a religious holiday.

Coxy god wouldn't just affect the set of bad boats or accept sacrifices, but also reward good and bad coxies. Refuse to share a cox-box? Gossip about another coxie? Bend a rigger and not tell anyone? Better watch out... the coxy god sees all, repays all! Expect rudder cable snappage or perhaps a surly official boat running over your stern. On the other hand, effective coxing can lead to rewards... perhaps a few extra days of warm weather or a miraculous loss of two pounds.

If only making the rowers forget about coxing sins (hitting stuff, bad dockings, mixing up names/seats, etc) was as easy as chanting a few Hail NK's!

So you're with me? We need an official coxy god to protect us, help us, and even (uh oh) chastise us for our coxy sins?

Let's break out the electrical tape, broken mics and speakers, washers, mittens, blinky lights, plain rice cakes, carrot sticks, sandbags, rudder toggles, and all those unidentifiable bits and pieces that collect in the bottom of coxy bags and build our own sculpture of a coxy god! We could steal a tip from the Catholics and enshrine it in half a bathtub buried in the lawn, but I think the bow section from a broken boat (every club's got one of those!) would be more appropriate.... Plant in between the bays or at the side of the boathouse and gather before practice to recite the coxy's prayer :

"Oh Coxy God:
Help me today to row the straightest course,
to make the boat set up,
to keep all the rowers focused,
and to keep the blades in the sacred rhythm....
give me the vision to see sloppy catches,
dropped shoulders,
and eyes out of the boat....
make my butt stable in the seat
and keep me from messing up the set.....
allow me to hear the coach's instructions,
no matter how garbled;
to keep the boat from shore,
no matter how strong the wind;
and to keep calm,
no matter how big the waves.
Most importantly,
entrust in me the sacred phrases to keep the boat motivated and powerful....
And please don't let the cox box batteries die....
Your faithful, loyal, slightly damp coxswain."

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